Up and down

Bit of an emotionally low morning this morning. I say this hesitantly because I know this blog is starting to sound like the moaning of an injured athlete. I am keen to avoid it becoming that, but I also find the mental progression of my rehab very interesting and so thought I would write about it.

You see, whilst I am the one who is feeling emotionally a bit down, I have also been through enough injuries to know that it is fairly normal for me to feel that way from time to time. As a result, part of my brain has been observing how I am feeling with a sort of detached interest.

Certainly, whilst the recovery from this injury has been the longest I have been through, mentally it is progressing like most others so I have been able to recognize familiar patterns. Like other injury recoveries I have experienced I have had periods of being very positive and other periods of being quite down. My mental outlook has usually corresponded to how well I am able to train, which in turn is related to how the recovery is progressing. All this makes sense really. The better I feel, the more I am able to train and the more positive I feel.

By my count my current emotional slump is my second one for this injury. I could go back through my blogs to check, but I am not sure I can be bothered with that much effort. I am happy to say that I think it is my second and leave it at that. The first was a couple of weeks after my surgery when the realities of my injury started to hit home and I wasn't able to train much. This second one started last week, sometime after Dr Hewitt removed some of my stitches and things took a turn for the more painful and once again the training took a step back.

Whilst this emotional roller coaster is fairly normal for me, I suspect it isn't particularly healthy. While training is a big part of my life, and provides me with a massive stress relief, my emotional state shouldn't rely on it. After all I plan on getting old at some point (I haven't chosen a date yet) and won't be able to train obsessively forever. It raises some interesting questions about how much of my self worth is tied up in my athletic ability. Am I still proud of myself if I am not fit, not fast? Hmmmm....

Whilst there is almost certainly some issues there, I don't think a lack of self worth is the primary cause of my ups and downs in this case. I think the main cause for my swinging emotions during injury is frustration. The less I am able to train the further I feel I have to go to be race fit again. This causes frustration, then stress, then depression. When I am able to train the opposite is true. This cycle is both dangerous and unnecessary. Dangerous because it pushes me to train more than may be good for me during my recovery. Unnecessary because the truth is that I will get back to fitness. Three months of injury and recovery may be a long time but it is not forever. I can and will rebuild. I know this as a fact, but it is easy to forget.

I need to learn to be comfortable with my injury and my recovery. Not get stressed and anxious about where my fitness is and what I can and can't do, but rather relax and take it as it comes. There is no real reason for frustration, it is entirely self generated.

I just have to remember that.