The Decision

Following the cardiac mapping and catheter ablation I had on Tuesday I wrote that the likely recommendations from Dr Stobie would be that I no longer race Triathlon. Last night I also wrote that if that is his recommendation, then I am okay with that decision.

Writing that last night, it may give the impression that I have giving up kind of easy on a sport that has been a huge part of my life for quite some time. How can I give up a sport that has been a big part of my life for so long? Well to be honest so far I haven't found the decision that difficult. Here is why:

Firstly, when a Doctor has a proper, honest to goodness discussion with you about the chances of something actually killing you, then that thing becomes very real, very quickly. It isn't like an injury where normally the worst case scenario if you mismanage the injury is that you are injured for longer. No with this one it is a bit more severe, mismanage this one and you may not get a second chance. Having that point made to you by somebody that you trust makes you very willing to err on the conservative side.

Having successfully made the point that racing would expose me to a real quantifiable risk, Dr Stobie then explained that whether I was willing to take that risk really came down to my own risk tolerance. How important was the sport? Was I willing to risk a serious cardiac incident for it?

The above question is what the decision whether to race or not boils down to, and really I found the answer very easy to come up with.  No I am not. I am not willing to risk it. I have enjoyed Triathlon, I genuinely have, and if I cannot race anymore, then I am going to miss it. A lot. However, I am simply not willing to risk the life I have with my wife and my kids for a sport. No matter how great that sport is. Similarly I am not willing to risk leaving them without a father for the same reason.

When it was made clear to me that this was the decision I was faced with, I knew what the choice was straight away. No doubting.

Now, I should explain, it isn't simply that there is a risk of injury or fatality that is making me stop. I mean if the you didn't do things because there was a chance you would get hurt, then you would never do anything. Every time you step out the door or get on the bike there is a chance that something is going to go wrong. We take calculated risks with that sort of hazard all the time, and that is the key word here, calculated. We face risks in our everyday lives, but those risks are mostly pretty low, generally there are systems and barriers in place to protect us, and usually they do. However, when you have been told that your risk is demonstrably higher then that changes the equation a bit. In those circumstances it becomes harder and harder to justify exposing yourself to that risk. That is exactly the situation here. As I discussed above, I am simply not willing to justify the level of risk that has been explained to me. The consequence of that risk is just too great.

One other reason that I am okay with the choice to stop racing is because it was going to happen sooner or later. Racing near the pointy end of the sport was only ever a finite proposition. I was hoping to get another couple of years, but really that was it. I didn't have that much time left in me. In fact the more I think about it, the more I suspect that it was always going to take something like this to stop me racing. I have always said I would stop, but I have never given much thought to what the decision to stop would look like. Now that I am faced with that decision I think that I was always going to race until my body stopped me. Now that I have reached that point I am pretty okay with it. It was always going to go this way I think.

I am also at peace with the decision to stop because I am quite happy with what I have done in the sport. There is nothing more frustrating than feeling like you have left something unfinished, whether it is a book, mowing the lawn or a sporting career. However, I don't really have that feeling. Sure there are some races I would love to do that I haven't, and it is a bit frustrating that I don't think I had reached my top speed yet, but beyond those frustrations I am happy with what I achieved. I got to race all over the place in some really interested countries and locations. I met some great people from all over the world, many of whom I now call friend. I got to line up against world champions and living legends. I got quite a few top 10s and other results that I am really happy with. All up I am proud of my legacy, I am not sure I had much more to do. That makes the decision to stop a lot easier.

So that is that. I will admit stopping in this way wouldn't have been my first choice. But now, on reflection, I am not sure what my first choice would have been. If the career had to end at some point, and it did, then I am happy for it to be this point.

Besides the alternative is a whole lot worse.