Self worth

Yesterday I mentioned that I would try and write about how sometimes we tie up our self worth in what we do, rather than who we are. We become our sport so to speak. I say 'try and write' for a couple of reasons. Firstly, because I am not a sport psychologist and so I don't feel I am qualified to talk about this in a meaningful way. And secondly because, well this is a pretty hard thing to write about.

I start this not really sure where it will go, but fairly sure it won't be making any life affirming discoveries, I don't know enough for that. Rather, I suspect this post is going to be a bit of a ramble about some of the habits I recognize in myself and whether or not I consider them to be good habits or not. Lets find out.

A couple of days ago I wrote that I was feeling a bit down but concluded that this was due to self-inflicted frustration about not being able to train. I still think that. However, I also made a comment about tying up a lot of my self-worth in what I do. I asked, am I still proud of myself if I am not fit, not fast?

The more I thought about that question over the last couple of days the more I thought that there is an uncomfortable reality there.

I like to think I have a fairly balanced outlook on life. I enjoy my sport but I have always felt that it doesn't define me. I think any sport (or any pass time really) has the ability to become all encompassing if you let it, triathlon more so than most. I suspect Triathlon, and specifically long course triathlon, can take over your life so effectively because it requires such a significant time investment (may also have something to do with the sort of people it attracts). It is easy for triathlon to become something that the rest of your life orbits around.

I don't think that kind of obsessiveness is necessarily bad if it doesn't effect other aspects of you life, however, I have always preferred to maintain more balance in my life. That balance is something I like to think I have managed to achieve. I don't have an Ironman tattoo anywhere, I own some clothes that aren't from sporting events (probably). However, whilst I don't think I let triathlon dominate my life (much), I can't deny that I like to be fit. I mean really fit. It makes me feels like I have something that sets me apart from the crowd. It is definitely something that I am proud of. When I lose fitness I know I have had thoughts along the lines of 'I am just like everybody else now'. That depresses me, I suspect it shouldn't but it does. It is part of the reason I have never been able to really 'let myself go' even when I haven't been competing.

There is also an element of body image too. I like to think that I am not concerned with my appearance, however, I have to admit that I like how I am when I am race fit. It makes me feel good about myself. I don't think appearance is a big factor in how I feel about myself, but it plays a part.

So where does this come from, is it just the way I am, or is there more to it?  Well I think my personality is certainly a factor. I am hyper competitive (didn't you notice). I don't necessarily view my competitiveness as a bad thing, it is part of the reason I do what I do, but it does mean that I tend to view everything as a competition, including fitness. I like to be good at stuff and when I am not it gets in my head (it also makes having a casual hobby very difficult). Not being good at something, particularly something that I know I can be good at, tends to get me down.

I have previously wondered just how I will cope when my body starts to slow down and I can't go as quick as I think I should be able to. I haven't hit that point yet, but it will happen sometime. I am still not sure how I will cope with it when it does. The fact that it is a concern at all worries me a little.

My competitive nature isn't helped by the cult of fitness that much of the western world seems to be going through at the moment. The go hard or go home mentality. Ironman is a particularly bad place for this. If you are exposed to this world through your sport then being happy about quietly slipping into unfitness is very hard to do.

The mental impact of lost conditioning isn't really helped by the level of monitoring that the modern athlete puts themselves under either. I have numerous devices and bits of software that track everything I do and give me feedback. They are very useful when I am training, but equally nonconstructive when I am not. If I lose fitness I am definitely going to know about it. This makes it difficult to slip gradually and happily into unfitness. Once I am there, my competitiveness makes it hard to feel good about it.

So I can't deny it, there is definitely a link between my fitness level and how I feel about myself. It doesn't dominate my mental outlook on life, but it certainly plays a part in how I am feeling. Is this okay? If not is there anything I should be doing about it?

Having written all of the above I would have to say it probably isn't all that healthy for so much of my self worth to be reliant on my fitness. I suspect being happy about having a 'normal' level of fitness is something I am going to figure out at some point in my life. Perhaps the key is in setting realistic goals and being happy with them. I have also had it suggested that when the time comes the key is channelling the focus and obsession I currently have for training into something else that I am passionate about. I have to say that makes a lot of sense. Will I be able to do it? To be honest I am not sure, I have been this way for a really long time, it is kind of hard to switch off. I think though that it is something that I am going to have to figure out.