Not the best

A bit of an emotionally low day today. A day where I have been really feeling the lack of triathlon and exercise in general.

One question I get asked a fair bit is how I am going without any exercise and training. When I get asked that question I can honestly say that the answer is usually that I am feeling pretty good. Between coaching and getting out for walks etc I generally feel alright about my break from exercise. I am working on the premise that this break will be temporary and given that, I can live with it. Today though I just wasn't feeling that.

As I said, I have been feeling okay up to today, so I am not sure why today was a lower day. I think perhaps because today was a lovely morning which would have been great on the bike. Perhaps it was watching all the people out on the bikes enjoying such a morning. Perhaps it is all the big races on at the moment, with both 70.3 and ITU World Champs. Perhaps I am just tired. I am not really sure, I think it could perhaps be a combination of all those things.

The last couple of weeks it sort of dawned on me that I would probably never race another world championship. When I qualified for Kona back in 2013 I didn't take the slot, because I had other goals and I always assumed I would be able to go later if I wanted. The same goes for ITU Long Course Worlds. I have friends who are Age Group World Champions and I always sort of thought that sounded cool. It was something I thought I would have a serious crack at one day. However, over the last two weeks it has dawned on me that I am unlikely to even attempt those goals, let alone obtain them. That hurt a bit.

On top of the above realisation is the constant nagging worry that I may never be able to exercise again. I am detraining at the moment because in studies detraining reduced the occurrence of ventricular arrhythmia in the assessed group. Because of these studies detraining is recommended as a potential form of treatment. However, the study is really only based on one group of 50 athletes, and of those athletes only 50% made a full recovery. Another 20% had a partial reduction of symptoms such that they were able to return to sport and 30% had no reduction and they weren't able to play sport again. I have to say 70% is pretty good odds for at least a partial improvement, however, I can't help but wonder what life will be like if I am in the other 30%. If I get no improvement and am stuck doing no more than walking for 30 minutes each day, I am not quite sure what I will do. I don't really want to have a pacemaker, but if that is a necessary insurance that will allow me to exercise at least a little, then I think I would have to go for it. So much of what I enjoy in life is rolled up in physical activity that when if it is removed I am not sure what I have to fill the gap with. The obvious answer is family etc, but as I am realising, there are certain things that exercise brings you that you can't easily replace.

What I am really struggling with is that less than 12 months ago I was on top of the world and unstoppable. About this time last year I was getting ready to travel to Taiwan for an Ironman. Whilst that race wasn't great it did set me up for Ironman WA. This time last year I was less than 3 months away from the best race of my life. Thinking about going from that to what I am now still leaves me shaking my head if I think about it too much. It is not the most uplifting of thought processes, but it is one that has been on my mind today.

The lack of exercise has taken its toll too. I have never really realised how much I appreciated and took for granted the alone time that exercise gave me. No matter how great your friends and family are, I think everyone needs a bit of time alone in their own heads, clearing things out, working through other things. The last 4 weeks I have actually appreciated the extra time I have had to spend with friends and family now that I am not exercising. However, today I think I started realising that I have been missing that alone time too. I have young kids and so when you are home you have very few opportunities to have time to yourself. When all your time is spent between work, coaching and family, you quickly realise that you haven't really disengaged your mind for about a month. That can wear thin I think, which I think it did today a little.

I have only been 'detraining' for 4 weeks and I feel like the process has already bought me to my knees a little, and in the bigger picture I have barely started, with another 20 weeks or so to go. That is not a thought to fill one with joy. It is what it is though and I will have to learn to adapt and to redirect my focus otherwise I think it will drive me a little mad.

That is a battle for another day though. For now I think I need a bit of sleep, I suspect the world will look a bit brighter in the morning.